He fired his gun, and his entire body was overcome with power.
He was enraged to find the strength he’d always imagined he wielded
but never had the proof of.
Staring down firmly at his hands
his fingers crawling inward into grip
he saw the hand of god before him.
I am become predator,
swallower of entire oceans in the face of drought.
I know the merciless face of divinity
as that of natural disaster
and that which I now manifest myself to be.
He quaked at the fire of his own gun,
as in the ripples of the last lake he saw before him the face of Narcissus,
he who refuses to believe the truth about himself.
oh god dammit
enter the cartoon bluebirds
enter me skipping through green fields
eyes closed turned upward to the sun
soaking in the thick mushy grossness
enter the sleeplessness
enter the constant churning thoughts
of the idea that someone loves me
enter the wrecking ball of puppies
enter footie pajamas and popcorn
enter the endless tsunami of kisses
crashing over me again and again and again
drowning me in salty awful wonderful
exit nights spent sleeping on half of a bed
exit the bull from my china shop heart
he just floats off into the sky
like some strange giant concert blimp
exit this one brand of loneliness
let me find in its place a true fireplace sense of purpose
this red string tied to my tooth
to a door
holding me on the brittle bare soul of my truth
face squished tightly
mouth wide open
that someone doesn’t slam the door shut
His coworkers were worried by him.
The way he would disappear to the window around noon to stare
for what felt like timeless hours
at the orchid while it soaked up the sun
placing his hands on each side of the vase
closing his eyes with intention
It was ritualistic
in an otherwise bleak uninterested environment.
He might as well have performed
an ayahuasca ceremony in the middle of the conference room.
He didn’t really care that he made anyone uncomfortable.
There was a certain freedom in understanding that when you are true
it is very often going to tug at the thin stretchy strings of the plastic mask of society
it is very often going to leave people quiet on their nighttime commutes
back into their caves to sit around fires
performing ayahuasca ceremonies
or alternatively microwaving a hot pocket and watching Maury until they fell dead asleep.
I guess you can decide which ceremony is stranger.
You’ve caught me in your net, my dear.
I’m not struggling I’m just begging for more food.
I’m napping and dreaming of never leaving your doorstep.
I’m napping and dreaming of your blood running down my chin.
I’m chaotic neutral punchy dry lovely motherfucker these days.
The way I smile around the grocery store with pound after pound of red meat
filling up my shopping cart.
And you fill me up.
With love and anger and the messy mix between the two.
I’m crunching numbers with my canines.
I’m sleepless and waking up behind dumpsters in Cap Hill.
There’s smashed glass on my bedroom floor.
There’s ropes tied to the side of my bed tied there to hold me down.
And ain’t nothing gonna hold me down.
I daydream about biting into your thighs, swallowing your moans.
I would kill just to taste you again.
What has your heart? What has the keyring with
innumerable different keys to different chambers
of your heart? What holds your moon in your sky?
What kisses you like comfort? What floats above
your bed at night? What burns up the back of your
eyes? What sugar do you taste on your tongue?
What love is full? What do you feel when you are
alone? Are you ever truly alone? Do you understand
that we are god? Do you understand that there are
severe and important implications to us being god?
Do you understand that childhood is a construct?
That school has only gotten larger. That growth has
only gotten larger. That we continue to exceed the
size of our goldfish bowls? Do you understand you
are a goldfish? Do you realize that there is truth and
there is your truth? Do you realize that your truth is
a beautiful thing to hold?
Never let go.
String together questions
like fragments of a kite string.
Watch it climb higher
and higher and higher
Watch it disappear
into your sky.
And then let go.
hello, corporate houseplant.
it is me, your caretaker.
i wanted to talk to you because
you seem to be doing so well
in this bleak corporate environment
you seem to be thriving.
it was just earlier this week
following our monthly all team meeting
that you began to bloom a new aloe leaf
accompanying now your other aloe leaves
some of which pour out the side of your pot
as if they are reaching
painfully slowly reaching for something
i don’t know what.
sometimes i daydream.
sometimes i imagine you,
dragging yourself by your aloe leaves
across the long white empty desks
and to the big glass window
overlooking the southwest parking lot.
i imagine you holding your breath
and jumping from the windowsill
and falling to the ground i can feel your elation
i’m free i’m free i’m free
and then a kind of death
your fragile glass home
smashed in large pieces
against the concrete sidewalk
your roots grown cold and useless
with no dirt to latch on to
and no one to water you.
but then you float.
a ghostplant you float
up into the sky
where you ascend
into some strange heaven
for corporate houseplants
to do this again
hello, corporate houseplant.
like two in the morning or something
i couldn’t sleep so i called up God
and was all like “hey God,
do you want to meet up for some coffee?”
and God of course obliged me like always
so we’re sitting around Denny’s
drinking shitty coffee talking when i ask God
“is destiny a thing?”and God says “yes,”
and i say “that’s kind of a bummer,”
and God says “well, i don’t think that doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of the decisions you make,”
and i say “i guess,”
and then there’s an awkward pause,
the waitress comes by
refills our coffees
and we sip in silence and then i say
“alright, God, what number am i thinking of?”
God says 3.
it was 3.
What am I thinking now?
God says i’m thinking about destiny
and i was like
well yeah okay that might not have been the
best approach and then i took the salt shaker unscrewed the lid and poured the entire thing of salt into my cup of coffee.
God says “why did you do that?”
and i say “you seem surprised.
i thought you knew that i was going to do that? wasn’t it part of my destiny?”
and God was like
“no – that shit just came out of nowhere.”
i think God would have turned to God for answers in that moment if that made any sense.
and then i held God’s hand
and i said
look. i know what they say.
man plans and God laughs and that’s beautiful
but sometimes we just take the car off cruise
control and we start driving off the road in the middle of Nebraska and we’re pushing through the corn fields and doing donuts and blasting dizzy gillespie and it makes no damn sense and no one could have seen it coming, not even you, i’m sorry, but that’s why i put the salt in the coffee because some things weren’t written.
some things happen that weren’t meant to happen and those things were meant to happen but not in the sense that everyone saw it coming because
sometimes no one sees it coming.
even you, God.
sometimes it’s brutal and vicious hard work or a spark to the heart and it’s raw and honest and it’s tangential and that tangent shoots off into space like a monkey in an astronaut suit and it forms a new monkey planet with a new monkey God who too will have a moment of awe when realizing that your
children are not you.
they break the rules in the name of something.
or dizzy gillespie
it’s a thing that happens and it’ll catch us all off guard.
and then the waitress stole the cash in the register, took off her apron and busted out the door into the cold night.
This poem was also featured on Rocky Mountain Revival if you’d care to give it a listen.